Upon a cloud

Been too long...

2007-08-21T23:27:00.000+10:00

It's been so long since I've updated my blog. Somehow I do not find the need to upload anything. It's not like anyone reads my blog anymore. Besides, my free time now is spent watching foxtel, channel surfing until I find what I like.

I don't know which to agree with: Foxtel is a god-sent, or Foxtel is gonna ruin my life! Really! I mean, I just sit on the couch, after uni, after dance, whenever I'm free. Which excludes the time I'm doing my uni work and Flare stuff. I'm not a TOTAL couch potato. I swear if I was I would just kill myself or throw Foxtel out the window.

Anywayz, Flare matters have kept me busy busy. Practices almost 4 times a week. With production coming in less than 2 months, I seem to be real excited yet nervous. After seeing CMG's tech-run, full dress and the real night of their performance, I remember the past 3 years of which I would run in and out of the theatre, camping there on the week of production day to night. It's just a blast! I really love my babes and dudes..our bubble tea sessions, table sitting and spending all our time just hanging around each other. It's not like we don't do that all the time. Cuz we do! We see each other at practices..either everyday or once in every 2-3 days. Who wouldn't love them?!

But on top of that, I feel like I'm on a roll in regards to my studies. Last semester, the late night studying with Am and Ni proved to pay off so much. For the first time in my uni years, I actually got the highest distinction! And so did Am! The most coincidental thing is that we were studying for our last papers which happened to fall on the same day, and we got high distinction for them! :)

Life has been same-o same-o. Choreo review is this friday! I haven't seen many pieces yet and look forward to having a look as to how much has been done. Also, organizing which pieces will come before which for the production! Also, Flare's FIRST EVER amazing race is this saturday!!! Since participating in the reality tv show is near to impossible, Flare's version would be so much more fun!
Anyway, Shar has set up a flare blog on our events and updates at www.flaredance.blogspot.com

Do I enjoy my life here in melbourne? It's not whether I enjoy it, it is about the people who enable me to enjoy my life here. If I even make sense. My friends, my baby, my knuckles darling, my first car that I ever own. I have really just built up my life here. Independent living (except for the fact that I rely a lot, like a parasite on my B :P), da-de-da. Will I go back to Singapore to work? Eventually. Firstly, I will need to find a firm in Singapore who will allow me to do internship during my summer break back. Guess I have to look harder.

Feeling better

2007-05-23T12:15:00.000+10:00

I really appreciate things and those people around me.

Just those hugs and sms-es just really perk me up every time. Thanks Suz..for being constantly checking up on me..I really don't know what I would have done if you were not there.

Somehow, just knowing that you were there was so reassuring. Hugs. I love you babe.

OjOj..Thank you too. Somehow, I can never be sad with you around. Your cheerfulness is contagious I swear! Muackers!

Flare has been good. Although it has its political side. I love the group of friends that I have formed and known through Flare. And we are not a Flare group. When we're together, we're just an awesome fun-loving group of friends who cherish each and everyone, valuing every little aspect of one another. We are just like any other group of friends, just so happen that we met at dance..and have this great passion for dance. Despite the hectic schedule we have now with exams and essays/assignments due, our appreciation for each other goes noticed by all.

People say we are the 'group'. But if you just look closer and take away Flare, we are a family of peeps with diff. careers/university degrees with a common interest. Can't people see pass us for being comfortable and loving to each other? I love them all and that is a fact. Nothing said or done will change that. Even when we're oceans apart...and I miss these peeps so much now..I don't feel any less connected with them. I miss them every time but that's the way of life of an overseas university student. Deal with it! And yes, we have..and all will have to do sometime.

Anyway..dedication to Flare peeps. I love you and nothing that anyone says will change what we have. Peeps jealous of us will just have to realize that we put in effort to make what we had, it did not just happen with the snap of our fingers. Come on man, even gatherings before someone leaves Australia, whether for holiday or for good..It's all cuz we love each other and appreciate. I state A-P-P-R-E-C-I-A-T-E each other hence the organized gatherings. And I will be NO WHERE IN MELBOURNE if not for them. I'd be a bored university student..just waking up..brush teeth..go to uni..come back..sleep. B.O.R.I.N.G!!

AKA I love my life and I'm going to make full use of it. Depression and Sadness are phases in life..of which when I blog I sound super helpless and have no where to go. (and I know this when I'm in that process *bleah* - I'm emotional, and I'm just human and a girl) But my group of friends are here in Melbourne with me - my family away from home.

Peace out and muackers to moi fwenz!

Life of innocence once more

2007-05-18T01:00:00.000+10:00

Life of Innocence once more

How I wish I could turn back time and be young, free from the world.
How I wish I could be satisfied with my life and people around me.

Free from emotions I want to be. It just sucks to have a roller-coaster of emotions.
Free to roam around and not care how I would affect other people...

It's happening again..
Depression has set in..I don't feel like eating. It's been 2 days. I'm not on a freaking diet. My heart feels so heavy..I don't even care if my friends look at me and know that there must be something happening to me..or hug me and ask if i'm okie..

Lack of self-confidence. And I can't do anything about it. But somehow I have to deal with it. Insecurity. Unmotivated. Suicidal thoughts (I know that's it's stupid and so many pple are going to come and talk to me now). Staring into blank space when I'm driving.

Went to Cirque du Soleil yesterday. It was awesome. It was spectacular. Performers were amazing. Costumes were out of this world. Music and voices were heavenly. But I knew that I did not have an enjoyable experience.

Perhaps one day things will be back to normal. I will feel like a child again. That perhaps I could walk the streets and smile to myself just because I was happy.

Or maybe, I just need to let go, move on. Go home. To Singapore, where my parents are. Where my girlfriends are. Where I know that when I'm home, nothing is impossible. Home is where I can have memories, good and bad, yet overcome the bad and still live a fulfilling live..and move on.

How I wish of a life of Innocence once more..

Homesick

2007-04-16T00:15:00.000+10:00

I used to say that my parents come so many times..
I used to say that I'm glad that they are not around..

I was just being stubborn

Just sent my parents to airport about an hour plus ago, they are boarding the plane in about 30 mins. I blardie hell miss them. My family has never ever expressed our love openly before, and so I find it hard to do so, even now.

I hate the fact that they have left
I hate the fact that they came for such a short while, and most of the time they weren't even in Melb
I hate the fact that I'd probably see them at the end of the year
I hate the fact that I'm alone again

I just want to go back to when I was in Singapore, when I didn't have to care about anything else but my studies.
I loved it when they were here and they settled everything and as it was the holidays, I just relaxed.
I didn't have to cook, do the dishes, do any house chores, even clean up after knuckles..

I miss them so much..and as funny as it may seem..I don't think they would ever know that..

I'm home sick and it sucks that I am missing them so much..

Back

2007-04-13T00:29:00.000+10:00

And So I'm Back...
From Outer Space.

Yup, in deed I am back to blogging. It's been like one year..been too busy. Usual stuff have been on, Flare, Uni, gatherings etc.
It's the Easter holidays now, actually its coming to an end. Went to visit potential camp sites yesterday with Bud, Vee and Ian (who drove manual all the way). It was superbly tiring.

Flare has been keeping me quite busy, having to handle all the administrative matters, new politics, managing and making sure that every thing goes on well. Hopefully..

Parents are down too, but they have hardly stayed cuz they had to fly to brisbane to pick my sis's friends and her up, drive down to melb cuz they had a church convention during the Easter weekend, and then drive them up to brissy again. And a non-stop journey to catch a flight back to melb again. And in just 3 days time they will be going back to sg again. Their schedule is tight tight tight. But, I guess it would have been boring for them to stay too long in melb once again. They've been here for like the gazillionth time!!

eeks..duno why I'm blogging again, just feels useless and mundane to do.
Sigh
haha

busyness

2006-09-02T03:52:00.000+10:00

Amidst all my busyness for this week..I have resorted to not even eating.
Yes I know I should eat, but when i'm hungry, i'm also very tired, and i just give up and rather just sleep it off.
Since tuesday this has been.
Tuesday night, i ate half of my dinner - I was so tired I couldn't finish the whole dinner. In fact I didn't have much of an appetite.
Wednesday night I simply finished the left overs of the previous night.
Thursday night was just biscuits and juice for dinner.
Friday night, yup, no dinner.

And you would think that I would have at least eaten during the day...No. I hardly did.
Wednesday, I had bubble tea.
Thursday, I had bubble tea and onion rings like 5 onion rings.
Friday, I had bubble tea and a muffin.
That's my meals.
Sum it all up together...and u get less than 3 meals for one day...when it has already been 4 days.

Have I been so busy that I have not taken care of myself? If so, how can I even take care of knuckles?
He's been alone for the whole day for these few days, and has been craving for attention. But when i'm home, I'm just too tired to play with him. Although I do sleep with him. I feel bad.
I need to take care of myself...I need to. In order to care for knuckles..I'm so sorry knuckles...

In the past

2006-08-31T01:36:00.000+10:00

Made barley a few days ago.
Last time, it would be gone in less than 2 days with the help of not just me. This time I had to finish it all myself. Took me a week.
That definitely means something.

On another note, mid review today was awesome. All the pieces are great. I can clearly seen the progression of dance styles and techniques. Flare has clearly grown and achieved way beyond anyone would imagine. I'm so proud of all the dancers.
Keep up the good work!

Another note, I hate presentations! I hate sleeping late at night! And I hate eating nothing the whole day until the night where I finish the other half of the previous night's leftover dinner.

Hoodies & Pizza making

2006-08-29T17:36:00.000+10:00

Wow..
An amazing weekend we had. Fri-Sat, was full on hoodie factory of free labour :P Oh which the labour were more than happy to self sacrifice.
I was one of them. It was a hell of a time. We all learnt so many new skills in 2 days and 1 night.
I didn't sleep over though..but there was no difference. I went home sat 4+ am. Went back there when they just started making hoodies again at around 2+ pm. Then went straight on til 3+ am on sunday.
It was not a bit tiring for me. It was all fun and seeing how all our anticipation materialize..just felt like i just saw my little girl grow up. :)

Bud's place was big enough to accomodate all of us. The start of it all was hilarious as there was the 'hoodie-making section', the 'mahjong-chill section' and the 'dance-choreographing-entertainment section'. The fact of the matter is that the first 2 sections mentioned really did seem like a real factory...the hard-working ones giving it all they've got..while the rest who have seen that too many chefs spoil the broth just indulged themselves in a few games of mini mahjong. :P Am and I had to choreograph. And so we did..in once again our time of just 10-15 minutes to come up with eight 8's. We have become so good at impromptu choreographing...nothing can stop us!!! *hahahaha*

Anywayz, shar made pizzas for us the next day..(saturday)It was SOOO GOOODD!!! I loved her dough! And yes, we were ALL spsed to make the pizzas..but she turned out to be the only chef mothering us all. But then again, its cuz we were making the hoodies! Okie, printing. Nutella pizza...YUUMMM..*drool*

And after all these...WE HAVE HOODIES TO WEAR! I've started wearing them yesterday..now to every rehearsal I shall wear them. They are so beautiful..sigh..

This year..the Fab 4 have done so much together. Note TOGETHER! I believe that we are the only committee so far to have done a good fair share of the job for flare. I'm so proud to be part of them. I love them all to bits :) We've not only done that, we've managed to achieve all our aims that we wanted and with better results. Have I said I love them? hehe *MUACKS* I do not know what to do without them...sigh..

Okie..gotta go for dance now..yippee!! haha...

Seeing all of them everyday (mon-sat) does not make me sick of their faces one bit. Not one bit :) Hugs..

Looks can be deceiving

2006-07-21T00:08:00.000+10:00

Looks can be deceiving. Yes, we've heard it a thousand times. Know it from front to back. But do we apply it in our daily lives? Or do we continue to pass judgements upon first appearance. Human nature causes us to fall into the trap of behaving like a snob.

I do remember a certain somebody who told me that she/he didn't initially speak to me cuz of the people/person I was hanging out with. The first impression wasn't based on me but the crowd I was with. Hence, opportunity to know more about each other was lost. However, opportunity knocks twice, and without my 'others', I was beginning to be seen as an individual. That was when we truly became good friends. How would have thought that it would fall on me? But knowing is good. I like to know.

But based on this, today I myself passed judgement on another who didn't deserve it one bit. It started when I was on the way to Uni for flare's dance practice. Got on the tram...validated my ticket..and sat down. Just like anyone would. The next stop, this old man...rugged and all..unshaven face...clothes that were kinda tattered..and carrying plastic bags..sat right in front of me. In my mind was that he was one of those people..you know those people who came onto trams sat there...stank and mumbled to themselves. But NO!! Listen to more....

I was sick and sniffed and coughed as if my lungs would burst. I was minding my own business in my little box around me. Then he stood up...and walked towards me! Everyone's eyes were focused on us..what was happening? Then he took out Butter Mentol Lozenges. "Have one. Go on take one." WHAT THE FREAK JUST HAPPENED THERE?
I was shocked beyond words. Truly beyond words! I would normally reject offers that I didn't exactly crave for (from friends) and if from strangers..mummy did always tell us not to take any sweets from strangers. But I was stunned! I didn't know what to react!! I was just dumbfounded...all i could say was.."ermmm....thanks!"
OMG, I must have been the dumbest asian girl dressed in her hoodie and black dance pants and jazz shoes alive! I mean, erm thanks?!?!

He went back to his seat and sat back down. "Take it. It won't make it go away, but it will make you feel better". Holy crap! I felt so...ARG! I mean, I felt like I was taken up, hung upside down and wiped! That's for thinking that I'm a weird old man! Arg! The rest of the journey. I could only reply "thanks". Even before we got off.."thanks". I just didn't know what else to say.

Sigh..only goes to show that I truly need to improve on my character. To stop passing judgements and trying to stay away from those I THINK are weird or who I shouldn't associate with.
Old people are nice people. They are!! My grandparents are nice. haha :P Well..Old WESTERN people are nice. I imagine most asian old folks being all talkative in the bus and shouting at noisy students or just pushing their way out of the bus. Sigh...another reason why I like Australia. :)

_________________________________________________________
On another note, you won't believe this but...me and Ian went to see Pirates of the Caribbean at the DIRECTOR'S SUITE! YESH! We thought that we should try it at least once. And we did. At the counter I saw the price for a ticket....$32!!!! PER PERSON!!!! I couldn't tell Ian at the counter infront of the girl that it cost too much! So we paid up. But it sure was good!!!!

I mean the service was excellent!! We could eat in there!! I had Ice chocolate...yum yum!! Food was too expensive. Wanted to order fries..but they were like $10! So i just inclined my chair and enjoyed my ice chocolate as if on a tropical beach...but in this case..in a dark comfy area watching pirates :P

hehe...it was good. real good! :) I mean both the movie and the suite. hehe

2006-06-21T00:34:00.000+10:00

My exams are over and I'm ecstatic beyond words. But amidst all my happiness and joy.
There are people out there who do not feel the same.
I shall not be full of myself like I always do. blogging about 3 people mainly. ME MYSELF AND I.

Many blogs I've come across seem gloomy as if a stormy cloud had come cloud their sunshine. Happiness gone...self doubt...self blame and even depression mood sets in. It is true that we get tired of this feeling. It is true that advice given is easier said than done. And it is true that empathy and past experiences we push each on through the black labyrinth of endless despair. But a tiny gleam of light can set you free. Just a flame burning from a tiny and unspotted candle can lead you out and find yourself finding life meaningful once more.

I know that it is hard to relate to others what one is going through. Some people find it easy and tell it to everyone they meet. Some just dont. Some bottle it up...put up a front in front of everyone as if everything is alright. But reality check. You're not! Advice is easier said than done. But 1% advice is better than 0% of trying to get one. Everyone has someone that they really care for..someone has always have a thousand hearts willing to help out. But no matter how hard we push...how much we see ur pain through ur eyes..we will not be able to reach you unless you let us.

It pains to see so many others hurt and down, and when i'm in the similar situation, i get relief by seeking shade from others. I want to help..and I will..always..constantly ... even if you don't want to..even if you don't think i know. I do.
It never hurts to let it out once in a while.
Friends are not friends if we can't go through laughter and tears together.

To everyone who has been part of my life somehow...I just feel that I have to let you know that I will always be here. Through your darkest hours.

Heart shattered

2006-06-01T22:23:00.000+10:00

...It's about us not getting along...

Oh what bliss

2006-05-22T00:55:00.000+10:00

The official day where it all began.
I remember the first time u asked. It was heavenly to my ears. Leaping of hearts, uncontrollable grin on my face.

Yes, Sunday 21 May, marks our 1st year together.

It has been such a wonderful day.

Started off with a normal gathering with the normal people for Yum Cha at Tai Pan in Doncaster. It was a 'bye-bye' thingie for Derr, who is leaving on wednesday for malaysia and singapore, on the very start of his journey as more than a dancer known amongst his own friends.

Dinner at Conservatory @ Crown was planned for 1 week in advance. As well as the movie after. But the mood was different from just an ordinary dinner together. The day was just filled with memories of how it all started. Dinner wasn't dinner without admiring his every move and facial expression. Not to mention how he will always peel the prawns for me, as well as crack the crab as I do not wish to dirty my hands. It's all these actions that I thought I would be used to, but no. I appreciate them all more and more each day.

Despite the many quarrels and fights, we never fail to return to each other's embrace . Growing stronger after every obstacle, we change for each other. Change to become better companions for one another. For all these sacrifices we've made, I appreciate and love him more each and everyday.

My boyfriend, my brother, my father, my mother, my sister, and also my baby all rolled in one.

Thank you for everything. Thank you for every moment from the first day we spoke to each other. Thank you baby.

I Love You.

Happy 1st year Anniversary baby.

Randomness

2006-05-17T15:59:00.000+10:00

Is all that we're doing now, going to take us somewhere in the future?
Are we just doing what we gotta do now for the sake of doing it?
In the end, what is the purpose?

Mundane daily routines
Is it worth our time to handle?
Why do we have the urge to do things we know will not benefit us in anyway?

Questions.
Sometimes, or most of the time, we don't have the answers to.
So is it as cliche to live life to the fullest?

Attaining all our desire wants..possessions..status...self-actualization needs..
Are they contributing to what we desire for in the future? Or are all these short-lived and just a phase each and everyone goes through?

Do we ever doubt what we're doing?
Do we think that what we're doing is the right thing?
Perhaps not.

Questions.
That have no answers to.

Randomness spouting out for the sake of it.

Thank God that I was given life. Life that perhaps has not lived to the fullest, maybe it will never.

Yesterday was a sunny day. It was nice. Wonder how it will be today.

Mother's day

2006-05-15T22:41:00.000+10:00

And so Mother's day has gone.
I would say that I'm blessed to have spent Mother's Day with my mother given me being an international student.
I have been so blessed with parents who come over very vey often.
Whole world knows they come often, and always asks when is their next trip.
Also, many dinners out with them and my baby Ian. Really feels nice.
Not having to take care of anything, just leaving it all in their hands.
Feels just like home once again...being treated like a young child who can't fend for myself.

And due to some circumstances, I'll be heading home during the one month break during July. I've decided that this trip home will be quality time with family, since that is what made me decide to go home. Lesser time spent out late late...lesser friends time (but there still will be) and all..

Oh well, parents heading home tmr.
1 week in melbourne. holiday back home..2 wks in july.

Looking forward to it.

2006-05-10T03:04:00.000+10:00

Tong Hua (Fairytale)

wang le you duo jiu
zai mei ting dao ni
dui wo shuo ni zui ai de gu shi
wo xiang le hen jiu
wo kai shi huang le
shi bu shi wo you zuo cuo le shen me

#
ni ku zhao dui wo shuo
tong hua li du shi pian ren de
wo bu ke neng shi ni de wang zi
ye xu ni bu hui dong
cong ni shuo ai wo yi hou
wo de tian kong xing xing dou liang le

*
wo yuan bian cheng tong hua li
ni ai de na ge tian shi
zhang kai shuang shou
bian cheng chi bang shou hu ni
ni yao xiang xin
xiang xin wo men hui xiang tong hua gu shi li
xin fu he kuai le shi jie ju

Repeat # and *

wo yao bian cheng tong hua li
ni ai de na ge tian shi
zhang kai shuang shou
bian cheng chi bang shou hu ni
ni yao xiang xin
xiang xin wo men hui xiang tong hua gu shi li
xin fu he kuai le shi jie ju

wo hui bian cheng tong hua li
ni ai de na ge tian shi
zhang kai shuang shou
bian cheng chi bang shou hu ni
ni yao xiang xin
xiang xin wo men hui xiang tong hua gu shi li
xin fu he kuai le shi jie ju

yi qi xie wo men de jie ju

Frustration

2006-05-09T22:49:00.000+10:00

I really don't know why I feel like this now.
I hate life.
I hate what I'm going through.
I wish I could die young.
Everything pile up at the same time.
Physically and Psychologically.
This sucks so bad.

Hope tomorrow will be better.
Yet again, maybe not.

Bloody Hell. I feel like cursing out loud now.

I want to shut down to the world out there. Seriously.
No matter what I want to keep everything to myself now.
Hurts. But what makes me hurt so bad, will make me stronger.
So I'm deliberately going to put myself through this.

****!

In the library

2006-05-09T13:09:00.000+10:00

I know I should be studying now, doing my assignment. But the urge for me to come online is too strong to be contained. For the very first time, I have used my own laptop and connected to MU wireless, and with my own capabilities found out how to configure settings for me to use the internet out there and not just wonder around within the world of university of melbourne website.

I know..hurray for me.

I know I'm suppossed to be in hiatus. But..i just refuse to do my work. I've got my file open in front of me, yet my thumb does not attempt to move the mouse over to that file at the task bar. I tried. I really did. Devil advocate doing its worst.

Anyway, just a little update about my life here in aus for my friends back home or for my friends whom i do not see that often anymore in melb.

Flare has been a full time job. Even when there's nothing to do. Just flicking through all the files making sure that it is up-to-date as of that minute. EVERY file. Having the access the check 7 email accounts, checking regularly sites...okie. I shall enlighten all about my routinal start on the internet.

1) Check for any orange blinking msn messages that I did not attend to cuz I was away from the computer. (Yes, I have the habit to be online 24/7)
2) Check all my 7 email accounts. 2 of which belong to flare :P
3) Check on my folder for flare and see what has to be updated or done.
4) Surf friendster just in case
5) Chat at the same time while all this is going on.
6) Open another window just to send free sms on www.freesmsmate.com.au
(Lucky fellas getting free advertisement on my blog!)
7) Surf through ALL blogs to read ALL updates of EVERYONE
8) Meanwhile, entertaining knuckles as he plays around my foot...mainly rubbing his butt against my foot ( i just found out) He is really cute!! hehe
9) Open my diary to make sure I've got all my appointments written down and view what I have coming up soon
10) Lastly, organize events/things that I have to do. Doing it in excel or word format, which really does take a lot of time as I do want it to look really nice

Okie, I know 4 people out there are almost 90% simliar to me. Hell, we're on flare committee!!
Honestly, they are the best ever. We are so stuck like glue. I really must say, and i'm not shy about it, that this group of beautiful, talented, creative, intelligent, hardworking, committed individuals are the best committee I have worked with ever, and I sure will ever! With all the politics out there in the world, this one I can proudly say has NO politics amongst us 4. How tight are we? Sigh, it's hard to explain the bond we share. But yar :P We are the coolest haha

Anyway, too long of an entry. And I think this is kinda boring. I have side stepped away from my poetic and abstract entries to a boring update of my life. How self-indulgent am i. VERY. I'm sorry. Kill me.

P.S: BTW, I am still in HIATUS until further notice. HAHA :P

wow..

2006-04-25T20:57:00.000+10:00

Oh my...it's been almost 2 months since I've updated. Sad yes..I'm sorry.
Been really busy with Flare stuff, uni, and also a great holiday from Sydney!

Yeap, it's been hectic but..the holiday was a great break.
With my baby and a great place with great stuff to see and do in Sydney..yup it was awesome.
Photos..haha had 109 of them.
Oh well..got assignments due every wk from next wk on..so I'll be completely MIA for another long while..sorry..
Til then..
let's just say..i'm going in HIATUS until further notice.

Ciao.

the bestest boyfriend in the universe

2006-03-08T16:22:00.000+11:00

I have realized how appreciated and loved..and valued I am. FINALLY.
After all these years :)

I have not stopped smiling from ear to ear ever since last night.

I must shout and proclaim that I do love my baby loads.

I once thought that as long as I give all that I have in the relationship and he is happy, then I will be happy.

For once, I was the 'victim' of happiness. For once, I was taken aback by the sudden surprise and unexpected love.

Although people may think its just a bouquet of flowers. Of LILIES i must add.
I also have to add that it's for NO REASON or OCCASION.

Don't get me wrong. When we found each other, I knew that he was my prince charming. But he just never fails to amaze me more and more.

I offically declare that he will be mine forever and ever. That no girls can even DREAM of touching a single hair of his at all! He's mine and I'm keeping it that way.

Because of you, I learn that love has so many colours in life.
Because of you, I feel that I'm the luckiest girl on this earth.
Because of you, I will devote completely to you.
Because of you, I am happy forever.
Because of you.

I love you dear. Love you...

2006-02-09T22:33:00.000+11:00

Ru guo you yi tian
wo men zai jian mian
shi jie hui bu hui dao tui yi dian
ye xu wo men dou hu lue
hu xiang shang hai
zi wai de gan jue

I hate summer....
why did I ever come back...

2006-02-09T02:07:00.000+11:00

I love you

over

2006-02-08T13:11:00.000+11:00

Empty
Shattered
Alone
Gone

夜曲

2006-01-26T14:02:00.000+11:00

為妳彈奏蕭邦的夜曲
紀念我死去的愛情
跟夜風一樣的聲音
心碎的很好聽
手在鍵盤敲很輕
我給的思念很小心
妳埋葬的地方叫幽冥

為妳彈奏蕭邦的夜曲
紀念我死去的愛情
而我為妳隱姓埋名
在月光下彈琴
對妳心跳的感應
還是如此溫熱親近
懷念妳那鮮紅的唇印

Perhaps if life was as simple as it should be
people wouldn't be so confused, hurt, depressed, demotivated.
if it doesn't work out
then it never will for me
no matter who it is.

This is all I am,
if it doesn't work
I'll give up on everything.
I'll give up and live in eternal solitude.

Full of myself

2006-01-24T01:49:00.000+11:00

I do realize that I've missed out on EVERYBODY's life
except for my own
I am so full of myself.

Upon this realization
Things are going to change
I promise

In GREAT AWE

2006-01-19T17:02:00.000+11:00

Australians I must say are the friendliest people that I've met. Even total strangers can smile at you, cashiers or sales people will have their best smiles on and ask you "how do you do". Although most of them probably dun mean it when they ask it cuz it's just part of the greeting, but they do have the best presentation and certainly have the "welcome" effect.

However, no matter how friendly they are, there ought to be some reasonability. By this I mean the use of some common sense in some situations. Yes, staff have to abide by policies given by the company, store owner, or complex owner. However, policies no matter what, individuals still have their own set of humanity values. No matter what, sympathy, reasonability, compassion still have to be shown right?

Put it this way, would u choose to humiliate another individual at the expense of following the policy of the company, hence neglected the only humane thing to do which should be right?

I can't blame those who are afraid to lose their jobs so are not keen on bending the rules once in a while. But sometimes, think before saying or doing.

What am I talking about?

Here's the giz...

A shopping centre had a staff who despite the disabilities of two shoppers stuck to the policy. What policy was it? that no wheelchairs were allowed outside the building.

So what happened? One of the shopper had to be carried to the car, while the other got on his knees and hands and crawled to the car. The walkway to the road where the car was parked the nearest it could, was still a fair distance away. Imagine the humiliation, the pain, the hurt, the shock, both of them experienced.

negligence of one's own common sense. Even if I had to put my job on the line, or even my life, I would have helped them to the car, allowed them to bring the chairs out.

What I'm more amazed at was that no one helped. How could it be that when passers-by had the time to look at him crawl to the car and not help? How is that possible?

Where is the compassion?

What is the human race becoming to?

I'm really utterly disappointed at what had happened. And am sad for the 'experience' the two men were put through. Yes they were adults. Full grown men!

I wish I could state more of my thoughts down, but I'm just very very disgusted.
So very disgusted.

When I heard the news...I just felt...disgusted..and..I dunt even know how to put it down in words. Not only reports about it were shown, the graphical imagery of the incident was presented. I was angry..I had so many mixed feelings.

But one thing for sure is that I wanted so very much to know what the hell was wrong with that person!!

chances being used up

2006-01-18T03:52:00.000+11:00

Chances..

one down, two to go

Few more quizzes

2006-01-17T02:24:00.000+11:00

Your Vibe Is Secretly Sexy

Sexy isn't exactly a word you'd use to describe yourself
But you have a quite allure that certain men feel appealing
You don't need to flaunt your stuff to be sexier
A little more confidence in yourself, and you'll really light up a room!

How Sexy Is Your Vibe?

You are a Great Girlfriend

When it comes to your guy, you're very thoughtful
But you also haven't stopped thinking of yourself
You're the perfect blend of independent and caring
You're a total catch - make sure your guy knows it too!

Are You a Good Girlfriend?

You Are a String Bikini

You're confident, bold, and sexy.
No one has to tell you - you know you look damn good!

What Kind of Bikini Are You?

You Are a Sensitive Kisser

For you, kissing is a way to connect

And you need lot of care, attention, and privacy

It may take you a while to kiss someone...

But when you do, it's total fireworks

What's Your Kissing Style?

Just another update

2006-01-16T19:29:00.000+11:00

Issues meant to be said
can't be mentioned
Things obvious to the heart
may not be obvious to the eyes

Petals fall on solid ground
Pretty leaves and flowers around
Drops of rain patter down
Little ones scatter and frown

Dark shadows lurk in corners
Beware of them, they'll steal and shatter
The heart and mind of one who's weak
The one that moves and shifts
Don't weap

Random chatter, random thoughts
Random blogging, forgive me, not?
Randomness of which I seek
Randomness of which is bleak.

Your Seduction Style: Fantasy Lover

You know that ideal love that each of us dreams of from childhood? That's you!
Not because you posess all of the ideal characteristics, but because you are a savvy shape shifter.
You have the uncanny ability to detect someone's particular fantasy... and make it you.

You inspire each person to be an idealist and passionate, and you make each moment memorable
Even a simple coffee date with you can be the most romantic moment of someone's life
By giving your date exactly what he or she desires, you quickly become the ideal lover.

Your abilities to make dreams come true is so strong, that you are often the love of many people's lives.
Your ex's (and even people you have simply met or been friends with) long to be yours.
No doubt you are the one others have dreamed of... your biggest challenge is finding *your* dream lover.

What Kind of Seducer Are You?

Your Love Element Is Metal

In love, you inspire and respect your partner.
For you, love is all about fusing together for one incredible life experience.

You attract others with wit and a bit of flash.
Your flirting style is defined by making others want and value you.

Greatness and optimism are the cornerstones of your love life.
You may let go too easily, but you never get weighed down by your past.

You connect best with: Earth

Avoid: Fire

You and another Metal element: will control and smother each other

What Element Is Your Love?

You're a Romantic Kisser

For you, kissing is all about feeling the romance
You love to kiss under the stars or by the sea
The perfect kiss involves the perfect mood
It's pretty common for kisses to sweep you off your feet

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

Stopping to think

2006-01-14T00:36:00.000+11:00

As summer school starts I just get dragged into a whirl of expectations, of which I was never prepared for. Unable to adapt to sudden changes from the holiday mood...my heart seems to be lost. An empty void is felt in my life. Something I have never felt before.

I wake up only to feel..one word..empty. I'm happy on the outside, but upon reflection am i truly? I feel empty. Like something is missing in my life. Maybe its the just-got-back-from-holidays blues hitting me. Or perhaps there really is something missing..or then again..maybe I just miss singapore. I never thought I would ever miss singapore in 2005. But come the start of 2006 and my emotions changed. Even while in KL, there were certain times when i felt homesick, although in the care of my love.

I question myself this 2006. What am i happy about? Am i truly happy? I feel so nostalgic. I feel as if my world which i thought once existed has never been. The void I feel today is a realization and reflection of my life in Australia.

I'm turning 21 this year, and that would mean the same for my gfs back home in singapore. To me 21st are very important. VERY! I can't emphasize on it any stronger. The thought of me missing all my gfs 21st leaves me shattered. Our friendship of 9-10 years and I cannot turn up for their 21st. One of theirs just past on the 8th jan. I cried that night after I called her. Subsequently I have been secretly depressed. Depressed about whether I should be here. Depressed that I might have made the wrong choices.

Emotions do conquer the mind easily. I know what most of you will say. And I know clearly that my presence here in melbourne is to be. And I do enjoy my life here as well. Just that the first month of 2006 .. in fact the first few days .. did not start out as wonderfully as i expected. Self doubt. Questioning.

You have no idea what is going through my mind. How can you when I don't myself. I just wish that this is just a passing thing. What if its not. I don't want to be troubled. I want to enjoy my life like in 2005.

But why do i miss home so much. I used to have a reason to yearn to go home. A reason to return into the arms that I used to love. Now I don't have that same reason. Now I just miss home. I miss the care-free calls and last min dates that I set up just to kill time. I miss the faces, laughter, catching up, walking along boring orchard road. I miss my friends. I miss the hours of chatting on the phone late at night. I miss the senselessly lame jokes that some people make that just crack me up, and even the people who plainly when I just see them just cracks me up all over.

During the short and unforgettable 10 days back in singapore, I've built up stronger friendships with my friends. Met up with people I've not seen for ages, even one for 4 years. Finally had the most spectacular holiday I ever heard in my entire life back to singapore. Made new friends whose friendship, honesty, sincerity I will cherish forever. Went out with people I thought I could never go out with at all.
I really think back on the days that happened less than a month ago..and really do wish for nothing better.

Don't be mistaken that I'm not happy now. I am. I'm not alone either. I have someone to take care of me here. It's just another aspect of my life that he will not be able to fulfill for me. No one can. But only myself.

I miss singapore. I want to go home. Heart? or mind?

It's no wonder as the hours go by, day after day, I wish I could just sit in my little corner..listening to sad songs..or just watching sappy movies to make me cry. Of which that I have found. Tong hua.

Sorry

2006-01-09T16:36:00.000+11:00

Sorry for this oh-so occasional update of my blog
:)

Anywayz, I had an awesome holiday back home in singapore. Met up with my girlfriends..one of which has just celebrated her 21st. Just last night. Happy 21st birthday Elinna!
I miss you so much..hugs

As well, made new and close friends. Of whom i enjoy their accompany. Never had such a fantastic holiday b4. Really want to thank God for it. Short but sweet holiday :)

Summer school has started and I have to get back into the mood to study. It's full on intense. And i have to be constantly reading my textbook. But here I am, by the computer, updating my blog.
How wonderful :P

ermz..no mood at the moment to update..sorrie

How am I in love?

2005-12-03T12:52:00.000+11:00

How You Are In Love

You fall in love quickly and easily. And very often.

You give and take equally in relationships.

You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time.

You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change.

You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

How Are You In Love?

I am..

2005-12-03T12:27:00.000+11:00

What Your Sleeping Position Says

You are calm and rational.
You are also giving and kind - a great friend.
You are easy going and trusting.
However, you are too sensible to fall for mind games.

What Does Your Sleeping Position Say About You?

My eyes..

2005-12-03T12:21:00.000+11:00

Your Eyes Should Be Brown

Your eyes reflect: Depth and wisdom

What's hidden behind your eyes: A tender heart

What Color Should Your Eyes Be?

What kinda Ex am I?

2005-12-03T12:18:00.000+11:00

You Are An Invisible Ex

You're so over your ex, you hardly even remember you have an ex
You prefer leave all of the baggage behind you - far, far behind
As they say, indifference is the opposite of love!

What Type of Ex Are You?

What panties I should be wearing?

2005-12-03T11:59:00.000+11:00

You are

Stretch Satin Thong

What Panties Should You Be Wearing?

My sexy dress

2005-12-03T11:57:00.000+11:00

Your Sexy Dress Should Be

Jewel-Back Halter Dress

What's Your Sexy Dress?

My prom/home-coming look

2005-12-03T11:56:00.000+11:00

Your Prom / Homecoming Look Is

One Shoulder Shirred Dress

What's Your Prom / Homecoming Look?

My Ideal relationship?

2005-12-03T11:45:00.000+11:00

Your Ideal Relationship is Marriage

You've dated enough to know what you want.And that's marriage - with the right person.You're serious about settling down some time soon.Even if you haven't met the person you want to get hitched to!

What's" Your Ideal Relationship?

Back from Hiatus

2005-12-02T01:23:00.000+11:00

I've been told to update my blog constantly. So here it is. I've finally taken the time from my "too-free" schedule to revamp my blog. Yes, this is a new look.
What do you think?

Anywayz, it's the holidays now but I'm feeling so bored. Went shopping and spent too much within 2 days. I have to stop...but only til my parents are down here! hehe :)
I kinda miss many people. Both here in melbourne and back home.

I finally came to a conclusion that my initial decision of spending a shorter holiday back home would make me maximise my hols is completely and utterly ridiculous. What's the point of where I spent my holidays. The basic thing is that here and back home makes no difference, cuz I have nothing to do in both places. Hence, where I spent my holidays no longer matters. Do you get my drift?

And what's the issue of me blogging only when i feel depressed and need an outlet. Like seriously, I can blog when I'm feeling other wise as well. For example, right now I'm feeling...hmm...erm....ur...you can call it..monotonously STONED.

I have NOTHING to do, NOTHING to eat, NOTHING to spend my time doing.
It's so frustrating i feel like pulling my hair out!
I feel like binching..but I have NO food.
I feel like playing..but there's NOTHING to play.
Well okie, I have knuckles.
:)
My sweetie hugable and adorable baby knuckles.

Right know he's lying on my hot sexy lip shaped bean bag, he looks so..CUTE! honestly, he's the cutest thing I've ever possessed on earth! He's to die for! His eyes closed..sleeping in a post clearly that of a human. haha, I adore him so much! :)

Lilies are pretty and smell so good dont they? I love lilies.

Btw, I need to exercise. Anyone care to motivate me or even better join me?

Mum got new BMW. How cool! I've got 2 cool cars to drive around when i'm back home in singapore. I'm looking forward to going home already haha :)
Perhaps, I may find that BMWs are my thing haha :P And it's the 320 series. Oh..sexy haha :P

Clubbing..dancing...and hands flying everywhere. Yup, heading down to Platform 1 tomorrow. Hope the music is good. Company is awesome. But also hope the crowd isn't rowdy. Seriously...especially to keep their hands to themselves.
I never expect guys to be so ..LOW in clubs. Seriously! I mean, i got pinched on my pretty and hot arse, turn around immediately to the slow moving crowd and the coward has no guts to look at me. What the heck! Whatever. Losers that's what they are. They don't have the guts to come up and say "hi", but they've got the guts to pinch arses. How i wish he looked at me, I would have punched him in the face, or maybe just slapped him.

CHRISTMAS IS COMING!!! CHRISTMAS TREE...CHRISTMAS GIFTS...LIGHTS...TURKEY...HAM! It's gonna be just great! hehe :)

Never to wake up again

2005-10-21T14:42:00.000+10:00

Things are different.
I don't want to face them, cuz I know it'll hurt

Why am I always getting hurt
What have I done to deserve feeling this way?
How come it follows me where ever I go, even when I'm in a different continent.
When will I finally get the pure goodness that I think I deserve?
Who will save me from the ungulfing flames of depression and pain.
Where in my life will it end?
Do I really want all these?
Will I feel like I used to?

I just need to be away from home, I need to be in the company of crowds
where my mask can be seen and hopefully I'll be able to be taken over by the mask and that I will be what I believe I want myself to be.
Looking back, I really question lots of things.
Was what written, said, shown, done true
Were they out of the pure honesty of one's heart and soul.
Or were they just the spur of the moment.

I know I'm understanding, supportive..everything but anything to make myself happy.
But I know that I want to be happy
I don't want to fall into the web of depression again, unable to eat for days, unable to put a smile on for anyone. making everyone around me just worry.
I've had enough. If not being myself is what will make me happy. I think I just might not be myself anymore.

I just want to close my eyes...and fall into a very very...deep sleep...never to wake up again..

Rollarcoaster

2005-10-15T13:44:00.000+10:00

Never thought I would feel like this
Facing everything alone
Being strong on my own
Pulling myself up on my own
Just being there for myself

I really appreciate those people who go out of their way to cheer me up
They bring a smile to my face
But deep down I'm still depressed..lost..

I think I'm slowly finding the solution
I think I'm slowly finding the way to solve it all
I want to get out of this fast
I want to be able to laugh again
I want to be able to be just me again

I know I won't be the princess anymore
I can't expect too much
I know that I will have to enjoy what I have
To be satisfied

Life's uncertainty makes us human
We all have feelings, we're not machines
I can't take it much longer
I'm collapsing and falling
Fallen star I am..

To just be happy is what I want
If I'm happy alone, then that's what I want
Perhaps one day...that happiness that will last for eternity will come
Perhaps someone will be able to do so...
Perhaps I've found that someone...
Perhaps I haven't

Thick mist..

2005-08-26T01:32:00.000+10:00

I sense a cold thick mist falling on me
I have no where to hide

It seems like something is out of place
you know the feeling when the picture on the wall is just slanted
and u have to shift it straight ?
I'm feeling this way now,
only thing is the picture is straight,
the picture looks great,
the frame is fabulous!
So what's missing?

Here in my little corner
I ponder on things in life.

I once had something
I once owned something
I once was something
I once felt something

But yet it was all 'had', 'owned', 'was', and 'felt'.
Things in the past can never be gained back.
why look back when all I have in front of me is just nice?
Cuz this is called reflection.
why have a face in the front of your head and not at the back?
Cuz you'r supposed to look front not back.
but yes this is all reflection.

Is it true that everything is transient?
Nothing lasts forever.
Not even humanly love.
I once felt that before
but it never lasted.

Godly love is what I need.
Yet it's what we always say.
But really we do not humanly love
Cuz it's there in our faces
for us to readily feel and touch.

I really wish that I was not a young
(okie maybe not anymore....)
active, emotional, part-of-this-world female teenager.
Where sometimes in our minds are this cute guy this or that hot guy that.
Because everything is transient.
Nothing lasts forever.

How depressing is this
as I read on and on about what I'm typing.
If it doesn't make sense to you just as yet
It will soon enough.

My time here in Aust is long and lonekly. Thing with overseas studies is that your friends made from different countries will sooner or later go home. Not only that, the close bonds that are formed which you have a separation anxiety from, will have to depart from us soon. (not later..but soon)

It is very depressing to think that in my 5 years of education here in Melbourne, already now it's my 2nd year and most of my close friends will be gone by the end of the year. And I'm left thinking how I'm going to survive the rest of my years of education. I'm sure I will make new friends. But just thinking about it is depressing. Some people who have just started their 1st yr this year will be graduating and going home even before I do. Yes, that is depressing.

Somehow, this is life.
We live to learn.
Everything is transient.
Nothing lasts forever.

I know I've drifted off talking about something else
I know I've side-tracked.
But there are too many things on my mind.
They just flow out.

I want to go to a proper ball.
Where I get pretty, made-up and ready for a blast.
To be picked up in a limo by a tall, handsome, basically dreamy guy
sweeping me off my feet with his oh-so stunning black suit and tie.
Then presenting me with a beautiful corsage
only to take me to the best balls I've ever been to in my entire life.
(yet, I think would be my ONLY ball in my entire life)
To dance song after song
drifting into fairytale land
Even when the clock strucks 12
I will still be dancing in my pretty flowy dress, flattering me in everyway.
To be admired with envy eyes by both girls and guys
Yes,
I just want to be a princess.
Like I've always wanted.
A fairytale story.... An American dream
(to be continued)

I know, It's all a dream
Just let me dream already
It's all so depressing anyways.

fun-filled

2005-08-23T22:35:00.000+10:00

well then, sunday's discovery day performance was one word - FUN!
We did many impromptu routines which really drew in crowds.
But of cuz I had assignment on my mind, so that evening's potluck at Cindy's place...was one thing that I had to pass.

"Food glorious food..."
Yup, I had to miss out on the potluck.....all the scrumptuous food...arg!! Not fair!
Anywayz,
I finished my assignment 5 hrs before it was due. yeap...i finished it at 4 am. Good thing it required us to submit online :) Cheers to technology!

Winter...down...depressing...gloomy...shorter days..longer nights....over...soon...
then comes SPRING! Yea! can't wait!

erm...yar...i'll just leave it here...
oh yar..
and clubbing with joce, ad, and li jeen was awesome!! haha..despite all the weird guys around us making strange advances and being 'touchy' and such...our first clubbing time together was really fun! haha..okie..i should stop now, my vocublary is depliting at an exponential rate.

Sigh....can't believe it's been more than 3 mths. I mean..that's fast!..

All tied up

2005-08-19T14:46:00.000+10:00

I don't know why but it seems that I'm tying myself down with too many commitments.
Yet still taking on more!
NESS when will u ever say NO!

I've always told myself..since..EVER to learn to say NO. Some people can testify for me, but I just can't. What's with my mouth!

So anywayz, this week is super busy.
Had dance practice every night!
And tonight as well. On a friday! On an OCF night! sigh..

And did I mention that I've got an assignment due 9 am on monday? Which is 5% done...I'm in real deep shit.
Basically going to go for an eye check soon in like 40 mins time, then heading down back to the city (I'm in Caufield now..) for dance rehearsals, then going home to shower and get ready for OCF @ 7 P.M. then rushing down to TGIF along Chapel St for a friend's birthday dinner. And to top this sweet sweet dessert with a cherry is clubbing tonight @ Amber with Li Jeen, Adrienne and Joce.

I can't miss OCF, only cuz this is a combined meeting. Means all the centres will be meeting up for a combined meeting. Makes sense? haha, and I really wanna see some faces that I've not met in a so long time!! :) *hehe*

Sigh...plus did I mention that I've got an assignment due 9 am on monday? Oh yar, and every week too...an assignment due. Following week i've got 2!..
Haha..bless me!
I shall do my utmost best in staying up late the night before assignments are due to finish them and to submit them, leaving me with the most 4 hrs of slp ! :P Yeap, all the best to me!

When

2005-08-07T13:53:00.000+10:00

When will all these be over
When will I be able to feel like I used to
I want this to end
I want my nevereverland
To soar in the sky
Free from lies

I need somebody

2005-08-05T04:35:00.000+10:00

I need somebody to take care of me.
I need somebody to care for me.
I need somebody.

Insecure and ostracised is how i feel right now. Actually, it's been bugging me for so long. It is about time i spoke up. It's about time that my insecurities are met. But it'll take so much more than before. I don't feel right at all. I don't feel the same anymore. I don't feel happy and on the clouds anymore. I don't feel loved anymore. I mean I am loved..but I can't feel it anymore.

No more can I be the princess in the castle on the cloud. No more can I dream of perfect fairy tales and romatic happenings. Reality strikes me on my head, shooting an arrow through my fragile heart, breaking my limbs til I fall to the floor. My heart has been shattered many times and I don't want that to happen again. I'm smart enough to know that. So what am I doing?

I need my shoulders, I need my ears, I need my comfort, I need those people around me again. I've shared with you guys my happiest moments or even just normal and mundane daily routines, but now I really need that somebody.

Mei thanks for actually being online when I came home..and chatted with me.
I wish someone would help me out.
Where's my guts.
Where's my independence.
Where's my individuality.
All gone...
why?
Because I've let my guard down.
Because I thought that it won't happen again.
Because I thought that no same thing may happen to me twice.

I wanna be happy again...
I can dance and be happy...
but what is short-lived happiness...
it's all just a mask I'm wearing around, hiding my eyes so as no one will see through me.

Perhaps I've got a thing sensing others sadness...but no one can sense mine. Perhaps that somebody who can...has yet to be found..perhaps that somebody out there...is nobody. Perhaps I'm just alone.

Back where I belong....

2005-07-26T23:12:00.000+10:00

And yes, Sem 2 has started, the day i've been waiting for for SOOOO LONG!
I'm not weird or anything, but seriously..having holidays and nothing to do with it really is a bore. Life just becomes so mundane. Other than the exciting "What shall we cook tonight for dinner" there really isn't much excitement in holidays. But, i'm not complaining! Erm..ok, I am, but...I'm not! Only because, I enjoyed my holidays still! haha..erm..you'd get my drift soon.

Anyhow, I came back from an AMAZING OCF July Camp (23-24 July). I drove all the way up to Mornington and really although it's an 1.5 hr drive up, it didn't seem far at all! But that's not the AMAZING bit. I went to camp with a purpose, a goal. To find the way back. I've been so far away from God that even trying to go bak seemed almost impossible. No one knew about the conflict that was going on within me. The daily battle to go back yet I could not no matter how hard I tried. But the camp did me good. I'm starting my way back..walking towards the light at the end of the tunnel once again. For once I was lost, but now I'm found.

God's love is so powerful. Thank you to Cheryl and April. They've truly been sisters to me, always been there for me when I was down and out..in all times! Even this time when I thought that I could do it alone, confiding in them and telling them about my woes helped me to get back, and miraculously put me back on track. Pastor Dan's message spoke deep within me. God is Almighty, I don't have to fear instead I have to spirit of love, power and self-discipline from Him and nothing can go against me. Nothing going against me will prosper, cuz God is on my side.

I knew all these along, but yet Ps Dan's message just hit me in my head and heart. God is always with me, even when I feel that I'm so far away from Him. He is always reaching out to me..his hands outstretched, yearning for me to draw closer to Him. And now I’m going to run to Him. Back into his arms where I belong, where I will soar like an Eagle above all things. :) It truly is wonderful feeling this way again. I just feel like screaming it out! Hehe!

Well, besides my spiritual life, my physical life (that what u call it? haha..i dunt know!) is pretty hectic, yet fun. I'm not stressed about it, though it is actually a very stressful situation. Dance camp is this weekend. (29-31 July) And most of you would have known that I was planning it solo this holiday cuz my partner was back home, I don't mind that by the way! :) And now it's just a few days away and lots of things like transportation, food, games have yet to be settled. Handling a group of 40+ people would be a challenge, but hey I'm open to challenges yea! :)

So, that means that I'm going to Springvale tmr. Yup, going down there after my school to get stuff that can be bought b4 hand, and to reserve meat so that I could collect them on friday. Estimation on how much people are going to gobble down is going to be hard, but I'll try! :P

So that's about it, that's what I'm going through now..pretty exciting. Will upload pictures of camp as soon as I get back from it. Don't know how it will turn out. But considering that I'm one of the 2 organisers, it will turn out fantastic! haha :P

Depression

2005-07-14T12:58:00.000+10:00

I hate it when i suffer from this common depression state. Yes some of you would have known i'm having a depression on my weight again. I need to lose those fats...

"Be gone thou fats, and never shall thee return!"

I do wish it was all so simple, then i could wish for the Jessica Alba's killer body with those awesome Abs..I would walk around all day long with just a mid-riff flaunting what I have (or maybe not) despite the cold.

Sigh, why do I have to go through this real dumb depression again. Almost every month. I'm determined to do something about it, I so am.

At least the gym-like dance rehearsals every night has got me exercising and losing a bit here and there. But that's not enough! I'm never satisfied. Don't get me wrong, I love myself. Just that I have an image problem with myself, no wait..just that I'm not satisfied with myself. But really, I will never consider cosmetic surgery, i'm not such a sorry-state to even think of that. Botex maybe when i'm older, but not intensively, just a little, but surgery..no way. I'd rather keep those fats.

Okie, I'm uttering on and on on random and nonsensical stuff, but that's what a blogs for. To ramble on about things of the world you have opinions on, but of cuz right now, it's just rambling on about me. I told you I love myself now didn't I?

So this really isn't the end, I've got more to say about my depression really I do. I feel like a walking polar bear, so pale and un-tanned as white as a sheet, so fat and chubby, with eye bags. So I've got stumpy legs, (as if you didn't already know), and yes, this means that i'm not really a candy-eyed little girl for the society of Melbourne. Particularly my friends in dance who have to face an eye-sore like me every evening, much less tolerate with my whacky and insane character. I'm sorry world that I'm here and living in Carlton Victoria and studying in Melbourne Uni. I'm sure that just a few more years, like maybe 3-4, wouldn't be too strenuous on the community would it?

But of cuz, I must still add that I still love myself. Creative criticism always works they say. So this is what it is. or is it? Enough of my nonsense? Do you feel like kicking me in my cute lil butt now? or are you on the verge to, but have yet the courage to do so? Well, what you waiting for? just kick me! Like I don't already need fats bouncing off me whenever i shake my butt as i saunter down the streets thinking: "Just look at me, I'm a pretty ugly, little big fat, girl with the whole world going for me. Look at me. I SAID LOOK AT ME!"

Okie, enough now? Or do you want more..?

Hmm...okie, I'm back, I'm sorry for that little random thrash talk. Feeling bitchy so I've only myself to bitch about. But really, I am depressed. I want to lose the fats desperately, I'd do anything. I want Jessica Alba's body so badly. Any pointers anybody?

Okie, I'll stop for now, this post is a little bit too long...and I'm sure it's too tiring to read a long blog post...so..I'd stop..for now ! =)

Note: I may put a smiley face, but I am still depressed!!

Have you ever..

2005-07-13T14:20:00.000+10:00

Has it ever occurred to you
why you're such in pain?
In such great pain that
you thought you'd go insane.

You ponder long and hard
to see the reason why
but just find out that
it's harder if you try.

To calm oneself down
to breathe in and relax
To suck in all the bad and good
the world lets you have.

Then start to focus on yourself
why this had to be
perhaps you'd find that in the end
the reason was just me.

I've been through this the past few days
So trust me that its true
I've found that lots of things happen
because i didn't have You.

I've lost my sight, I've lost my heart
I've lost everything i once had
It's all because of You that they're gone
and it's because of you, I want them back.

I'm sorry to certain people out there
that cry was meant to be
You didn't know what went through my mind
But that's okay I'm free.

I'm free to think and do what I want
No longer am i confused.
I'm no longer caught in the web of my mind and heart
I'm free to do what i should.

Thanks for concern, Thanks for trying
to talk to me when i was down
you're wonderful friends and friends i adore
i love you no mistake

I'm all better now, and ready to talk
i'm sorry for making you worry
I'm no longer gonna cause any pain
the pain that first struck me.

Things will be better, things are not going to change
they will all still remain
cuz i realized that it's all because of me
that this even started.

It's always me, it's all my fault
I'm the one to be blamed
It's always been this way in life
ever since I came

I know not to blame others
I know not to hate
I know that i feel nothing now
cuz it's all just so mundane.

I know this sounds depressing and such, i'm really very sorry. It's actually the same post i posted on my livejournal. I wanted to post about what i've been up to the past week, but this was at the tip of my tongue and mind and fingers so i had to type it.

I know reading poetry stuff from me gets tiring and boring. I'm sorry i bored ya'll i'm sorry really sorry.

A little in sight into my life during the holidays

2005-07-11T12:06:00.000+10:00

Well, some of you would have known that there was a performance 2 weeks back on monday. Where showcased a remix of a piece comprising of hiphop, a little jazz, breaking, popping and locking. We were on fire that night..as well as the week b4 the performance..practising everyday long and hard to learn the new steps within a few days =)

Yeap hard work pays off so here are a few photos I got off my photo album.

We had 9 dancers involved:
5 babes and amazingly for the first time, 4 guys! The babes were Am, Lisa, Jean, Lisa's friend (not from flare) and of cuz, then there's ME! hehe... The 4 hunks were Derrick, Kelvin, Vinh (E B-boy) and of cuz Ian.

It was so fun! well..see for yourselves. And I'll try to upload a video if I can, if not, amanda & Suviya~ you guys can get me to send the files to u hehe *hugs*

Yet another rehearsal shot in Multi-Purpose Hall @ College Square

A rehearsal shot

Dinner after rehearsal @ Kimchi Grandma with Vinh and Ian (Don't they look alike? sheesh..long lost brothers i reckon)

Got locked out on the balcony...VINH!!!

Another picture perfect hehe

The crew + the girls in black

A snapshot just b4 the performance @ Galaksi, Crown Odeon

Drifter

2005-07-06T16:27:00.000+10:00

You never do know something passes you by
Until it brushes past you
and you take the effort to turn around

You never do know when you've attained something
That truly belongs to you
Til you take hold of it and show your appreciation

You never do know if you've taken the right step
Until you wake up
Realizing how big a mistake you've made

You never do know if you're on this Earth
Just because of living
Or for the sake of others

Until I do know all these I can safely say
That I do wish that opportunities, experiences, chances
Will come a knockin' on my door

Because that will be when I will open and explore
Every possible corner
And confidently say that I am no longer a drifter

Yes, that day is sure to come and perhaps it's already here right before my eyes..
Knockin, knockin, knockin
Just waiting for me to reach for the knob...

I just felt like blogging something random. I'm not feeling depressed, neither am i in a reflection stage of my life. So no worries kie?
It really is just something REALLY random hehe =)

A brand new start

2005-07-04T16:01:00.000+10:00

It's my new blog..and I'm gonna do more with it than ever :)

Okie..anyhows..not been doing much of late. Been grocery shopping for the last 2 days..u have no idea how fun it is! :) Well, gotta cook dinner soon..really have no idea what to update..i'm just putting up this post for the fun of it :P

Alright..Ciaoz