Saturday, January 14, 2006
As summer school starts I just get dragged into a whirl of expectations, of which I was never prepared for. Unable to adapt to sudden changes from the holiday mood...my heart seems to be lost. An empty void is felt in my life. Something I have never felt before.
I wake up only to feel..one word..empty. I'm happy on the outside, but upon reflection am i truly? I feel empty. Like something is missing in my life. Maybe its the just-got-back-from-holidays blues hitting me. Or perhaps there really is something missing..or then again..maybe I just miss singapore. I never thought I would ever miss singapore in 2005. But come the start of 2006 and my emotions changed. Even while in KL, there were certain times when i felt homesick, although in the care of my love.
I question myself this 2006. What am i happy about? Am i truly happy? I feel so nostalgic. I feel as if my world which i thought once existed has never been. The void I feel today is a realization and reflection of my life in Australia.
I'm turning 21 this year, and that would mean the same for my gfs back home in singapore. To me 21st are very important. VERY! I can't emphasize on it any stronger. The thought of me missing all my gfs 21st leaves me shattered. Our friendship of 9-10 years and I cannot turn up for their 21st. One of theirs just past on the 8th jan. I cried that night after I called her. Subsequently I have been secretly depressed. Depressed about whether I should be here. Depressed that I might have made the wrong choices.
Emotions do conquer the mind easily. I know what most of you will say. And I know clearly that my presence here in melbourne is to be. And I do enjoy my life here as well. Just that the first month of 2006 .. in fact the first few days .. did not start out as wonderfully as i expected. Self doubt. Questioning.
You have no idea what is going through my mind. How can you when I don't myself. I just wish that this is just a passing thing. What if its not. I don't want to be troubled. I want to enjoy my life like in 2005.
But why do i miss home so much. I used to have a reason to yearn to go home. A reason to return into the arms that I used to love. Now I don't have that same reason. Now I just miss home. I miss the care-free calls and last min dates that I set up just to kill time. I miss the faces, laughter, catching up, walking along boring orchard road. I miss my friends. I miss the hours of chatting on the phone late at night. I miss the senselessly lame jokes that some people make that just crack me up, and even the people who plainly when I just see them just cracks me up all over.
During the short and unforgettable 10 days back in singapore, I've built up stronger friendships with my friends. Met up with people I've not seen for ages, even one for 4 years. Finally had the most spectacular holiday I ever heard in my entire life back to singapore. Made new friends whose friendship, honesty, sincerity I will cherish forever. Went out with people I thought I could never go out with at all.
I really think back on the days that happened less than a month ago..and really do wish for nothing better.
Don't be mistaken that I'm not happy now. I am. I'm not alone either. I have someone to take care of me here. It's just another aspect of my life that he will not be able to fulfill for me. No one can. But only myself.
I miss singapore. I want to go home. Heart? or mind?
It's no wonder as the hours go by, day after day, I wish I could just sit in my little corner..listening to sad songs..or just watching sappy movies to make me cry. Of which that I have found. Tong hua.
Ness dream on 12:36 AM
0 [comment]
***
Ness
Female
20
21st Nov 1985
scorpio
Australia, Melbourne
Student @ Melbourne University
loves my baby, lil knuckles, flareians, dancing, singing
hates hypocrites...(but i forgive easily..)
nessa21@gmail.com
::am
::amanda
::caleb
::cindy
::derrick
::flare dance
::grace
::hendry
::ian baby
::jel
::joon
::junni
::kel
::kenny
::lee-ean
::mandi
::ning
::serene
::shar
::shawna
::vee
::xiaoyun
::credits::
design:
catchastar.blogspot.com
please visit my:
forum
::Tag Board::